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Subpages:

Chaotic Prophets - Predicting the most likely course of events in a world where the laws of physics are merely a guideline.
Deterministic Prophets - Where every action is preordained and the future is set in stone.
Paradoxical Prophets - Resolving contradictions and paradoxes with ease.

Our Methods:

We use a combination of divination and guesswork.
We have a team of highly trained prophets who have dedicated their lives to the study of probability and statistics.
We have a 100% failure rate, but our clients love us.

Our Clients:

Local businesses who want to know if their investments will pay off.
High-stakes gamblers who need a little extra reassurance.
People who just want to know if they should get a chicken sandwich for lunch.

Our Predictions:

Our most recent prediction: "You will spill coffee on your shirt 3.4 times out of 5 attempts." - A 97% confidence level.

Our next prediction: "You will get a parking ticket 1.2 times out of 5 attempts." - A 92% confidence level.

Join us:

Apply to become a Decision Prophet today! We offer competitive pay and a comprehensive benefits package.

Or, just email us with any questions or concerns.

Disclaimer:

Our predictions are not actually predictions. They are merely educated guesses based on incomplete data and an unhealthy dose of hubris.

Our results are not guaranteed, but they are 100% not refundable.